1.	Your wife is about to give birth. What are your encouraging words to her? Now, remember. It's 'Breathe in . . . pant. . . push.' And not the other way round. I've bought a complete set of Blackadder videos to keep you laughing all the way through childbirth! Shall I pack your case? I've booked your hospital room. And I've got the name of a top malpractice lawyer, just in case. I can't believe it! I'm getting sympathetic contractions.
2.	Your wife informs you the baby's nappy needs changing. Do you say: No. How will baby ever learn to control its bodily functions if we indulge it every time it fills a nappy? Let's change it together. And then talk about the experience over some herbal tea. You change it. I'll read you the funny bits from the papers while you're doing it. Would it be a good idea for me to launder some fresh cotton nappies? I could have a new one on in a jiffy.
3.	The baby gives a bloodcurdling yell, indicating hunger. Do you say: Is it old enough for a Happy Meal yet? How I wish I could express milk, too. No. The next feed is not due for 27 minutes and 48 seconds. You'd like me to make up some home-made vegetable puree? It won't take a second.
4.	It's 3am and the baby wakes up crying. Do you tell your wife: No! If baby thinks you’ll come running, it'll never stop yelling its head off. Of course, I don't mind getting a bottle ready, if that's what you want me to do. Just make some fingershadows on the wall. She always laughs when I do that. You get some rest, darling. I'd love a chance to bond.
5.	Your baby seems a little slow in learning to walk. How do you respond? Cancel all your work meetings and stay home to spend every waking hour helping the child stumble across the floor. Offer to buy one of those wheeled baby-walkers that let the baby scoot round like a Dalek in a romper-suit. Say: 'OK, she can't walk. But she does an incredible pratfall!' Stand a foot away, yelling, 'Left-right! Left-right!'